The Law Blog

If you're going through a family law dispute in BC, sooner or later you'll be on the receiving end of an aggressive letter from opposing counsel - and few things upset a client more. The letter is forceful and one-sided. It makes allegations, it makes demands, and it presents the other party's version of events as if it were already accepted as fact. So the natural reaction is: we need to respond. Not just respond - respond forcefully, point by point, set the record straight, tell them they're wrong, go on offence, put the truth in writing.

I understand that reaction, and I don't blame anyone for having it. Family disputes are personal. By the time you're getting letters like this, you're probably some combination of hurt, scared, angry, and exhausted. When the other side sends something that feels unfair or flat-out false, doing nothing can feel like weakness. It can feel like you're playing defence while they're winning.

But here's the hard truth I find myself explaining over and over: a letter from opposing counsel is not a court decision. It doesn't mean the other side is right, it doesn't mean a judge agrees with them, and it doesn't mean you're losing. Usually it means one thing - the other lawyer is advocating for their client. That's their job.

A Lawyer's Letter Is Advocacy, Not Reality

A strongly worded letter feels important because it arrives on law firm letterhead and uses legal language. But it's still just a position. It isn't evidence, it isn't a ruling, and it isn't the truth simply because someone typed it in a confident tone.

Clients tend to give these letters far too much power. They read them as though the litigation has suddenly shifted under their feet, and they want their lawyer to push back just as hard. But litigation isn't a boxing match scored by correspondence. No judge has ever decided a case based on who wrote the angriest letter.

Why Responding to Opposing Counsel Point-by-Point Is Usually a Trap

One of the most common requests I hear is some version of this: “Can you write back and respond to every false thing they said?”

Usually, yes, I can. The better question is whether I should.

A detailed rebuttal can feel satisfying. It feels like taking control, like the truth is finally going on the record. But in a lot of cases it changes nothing. The other side already knows we disagree. Their lawyer is not going to read our five-page response and suddenly write back, “You know what, fair enough, we were wrong about everything.” If both parties are dug in, another long letter usually just confirms what everyone already knew - that the parties disagree.

That doesn't mean inaccurate allegations should be ignored. A lawyer should always review them carefully, and sometimes a response really is necessary: the record needs correcting, or staying silent could create a problem down the road. But not every attack needs a lengthy counterattack. There's a real difference between strategic correspondence and emotional correspondence, and part of my job is to tell them apart.

Every Letter Costs You Money

Every letter costs money - and not just the time spent typing it. There's the time spent reading the other side's letter, talking it over with you, reviewing the file, thinking through the legal issues, drafting a reply, revising it, and sending it. A thorough point-by-point response can quietly eat up hours of legal work.

That money is well spent if the letter actually moves the case forward. If it does nothing but vent frustration, it's worth pausing first. Before you ask me to fire back with a long rebuttal, ask yourself one question: will this letter move things closer to resolution, or will it just make me feel heard for an afternoon? It's not a small question. In litigation, emotional satisfaction can get very expensive.

Useful Correspondence vs. Performative Correspondence

Plenty of legal correspondence is genuinely necessary. A lawyer may need to write to make or respond to a settlement offer, request disclosure, confirm a position, set a deadline, narrow the issues, build a record for costs, flag an urgent concern, or spell out what happens next if a matter isn't resolved. Those letters matter.

Then there's the other category: the performative letter. That's the one written mainly to show the client their lawyer is fighting. It's designed to match the other side's tone, argue every detail, and correct every insult, turning the correspondence file into a second battlefield. Those letters can feel good in the moment. They rarely win the case.

In Family Litigation, the Courtroom Is Where the Truth Matters

Clients often tell me they want to “go on offence”, "be aggressive", "strike quickly", etc. - and I know exactly what they mean. But in litigation, the truth isn't established by angry letters - it's established through evidence. Documents, affidavits, financial records, timelines, credibility, legal argument: that's what decides cases.

If your matter is headed to court, that's where the real work happens. Your money is almost always better spent organizing evidence, preparing affidavits, reviewing disclosure, and identifying the strongest parts of your case than it is trading hostile letters. A brilliant letter to opposing counsel may never be seen by a judge - and even if it is, it won't carry anywhere near the weight of the evidence.

Going on Offence Doesn't Mean Writing Angry Letters

A real offensive strategy isn't about sounding tough. It's about discipline. It means knowing which issues matter and which ones don't, identifying the strongest parts of your case, making smart settlement offers, forcing disclosure where it counts, preparing properly for court, and refusing to get dragged into every side argument the other party wants to have.

Sometimes the best offence is a short, controlled letter. Sometimes it's a reasonable settlement offer that quietly puts the pressure back on the other side. Sometimes it's filing the application. And sometimes the best offence is saying nothing for the moment and spending your money on evidence instead. That can be frustrating, especially when the other side is being aggressive - but litigation isn't about answering every provocation. It's about choosing the steps that actually move the case.

The Bottom Line

Not every false allegation deserves a long reply. Not every aggressive letter needs an aggressive response. And not every stretch of silence means you're losing.

Before you spend money on another round of hostile correspondence, ask whether the letter will actually advance your case. Will it narrow an issue, preserve a record, support a costs argument, move settlement forward, or set up the next procedural step? Or will it just make you feel better for a few hours?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be heard - in family litigation, that need is real and I take it seriously. But your legal fees should be spent on strategy, not optics.

If you've received an aggressive letter from opposing counsel and you're not sure how to respond, that's exactly the kind of decision worth talking through before you spend a dollar on a reply. Give us a call at 604-465-9993, or book an appointment online, to set up a free consultation about your BC family law matter.